Pre-children I was one of the most confident women I knew. I’d stride across City pavements click clacking in my high heels, suit and red lippy without a care in the world. I had a large amount of friends, both male and female, I had a great City job, had bought my own flat in my early 20s and worked and partied HARD. Being single in my 30s meant I had the money and freedom to do exactly what I wanted to when I wanted to do it. I would go on at least 3 holidays a year all over the world and spend my life socialising with friends.
Despite all of this I wasn’t happy, I was well, sort of partied out. My biggest worry in life was if I’d ever meet my soul mate after a string of unsuccessful, mostly short-lived, relationships. Then at 38 I met my now husband and everything moved at lightning speed. Just two years on and my beautiful first baby arrived, a gorgeous bouncing boy. Not only was I incredibly grateful for having fallen pregnant naturally, I was also totally smitten with him, he was such a beautiful, easy baby. I was flooded with cards, visits and good wishes from friends and family who were so pleased I’d finally had a baby.
Then came the aftershock – I found myself in dusty church halls with women younger than me, singing baby songs. I’ll be honest I felt a tit! Having worked in a very male dominated City environment for 20 years I found it so difficult to connect with other women. I just didn’t have the right soft skills to conduct a conversation based around babies. I was all banter and bawdiness, felt as if I was continually saying the wrong thing and if I’m truly honest – totally disinterested in baby milestones and the like. And it showed! I loved sessions I shared with NCT friends but 6 months later when everyone else was going back to work I was pregnant again. My children are that close together that I qualified for a second maternity leave without ever setting foot in the office. Whilst off with my daughter I was made redundant; another blow to my confidence.
When my daughter arrived, I found myself a little “lost”, as I found myself in the position of attending baby classes with two babies of different ages, two babies in nappies, two babies not walking. I still hadn’t learnt how to bond with other new mums and I was in a different situation, whilst they were still cradling their firstborn, I was struggling to find a moment when one of my babies didn’t need me. Even if I had found the right words, I didn’t have the time for anything remotely approaching conversation, I was always changing a nappy or feeding. And I was knackered. Totally and utterly exhausted, I once fell asleep standing up in the queue in Tesco. I just stopped trying to connect, felt awkward, a square peg in a round hole. I just stood by and watched others chat and arrange coffees with each other. In short, I had zero confidence when it came to interacting with other mums.
My mum and two very special friends saved me during this period, lovely, funny ladies I’d met via friends. They were so supportive and we had so much fun, laughing at our struggles with sleep, feelings of inadequacy and Friday night takeaways that never turned up. I’m forever in their debt for making that period of time fun and for all the practical help they offered.
Then, in what seemed like the blink of an eye my eldest was at school and now I had to adjust again to meeting a whole different crowd and get used to the social politics of parties and playdates.
So how did I go from not being able to talk to mums in a baby group to taking on a seemingly pushy mum role on the PTA Committee?
By the time my daughter joined the school nursery it became apparent that it was somewhat underfunded and I became impassioned enough to join the PTA as a year rep. Yet still I was mostly just a bystander, so where has that confidence suddenly appeared from that enables me to stand up in front of other parents at the school ball, the AGM and chair PTA meetings? How did I regain it and bond with other mums? What’s the secret?
Well, the truth is there isn’t one straight answer, I myself, often wonder (and curse!) how I got there. The answer lies in so many places. Firstly, I found myself cajoled into the role and during lockdown there wasn’t anyone else. So, despite being out of my comfort zone I simply had to get on with it. I found it difficult. I found it excruciatingly embarrassing, but I did it! I started to self-coach myself - at every meeting I wear makeup, I dress up not down, because I KNOW this is something that makes me feel more confident. I prepare what I’m going to say before each meeting and I charge through the agenda. In addition, the realisation that what people think of me is not my business has been an absolute game changer. Another person’s thoughts or conversation is honestly not for me to worry about or even consider.
So, what have I learnt from this journey? Well, even the most confident of us have experiences or situations when we feel embarrassed. Many of us become mothers and don’t recognise ourselves, lose who we are and struggle to cope with the huge change that comes with motherhood. BUT it’s not permanent and if we feel passionate enough, we can learn to regain our self confidence and become more self assured than ever.
If this blog rings true for you, then please message me on amanda@thehappinessandpositivitycoach.com to book your free coaching sessions and together we can find YOU again!
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